Rehab

A can of lighter fluid sits on the shelf reminding me of the rehabs I dropped you off. Bringing tears to my eyes this morning as I sit at a festival, grateful for my sobriety from the night before. I look back now and I recall it was one of the last ones. As you were walking you into. You had so much determination this time. This time you really wanted to go for yourself. It was after your mom, brother, stepdad, and sister-n-law were hit by a drunk driver. Two were home the hospital, your brother was still in the brain rehabilitation hospital. We had to beg them to let you try this time, but this was it. You were going to get sober this time. You said “Oh, Aunt Tammy, I can’t take this. Can you hold onto this for me” You got out of that rehab, went into sober living. Did amazing for several weeks.

Life on Life’s Terms

You would tell me, you just never knew how to manage life on life’s terms, it was not until I went to meetings and heard those same saying years later that I finally understood what you meant. Your escape, when unwelcome news came, when anxiety is feared, setbacks, when struggles that you could not manage, understand. You turned to the only thing you knew to numb feelings. I sat and watched that cycle repeatedly till it finally took over your life, trying to escape until finally the hangman’s noose took your life.

Choosing Happiness

Today I chose happiness for the love you have to fish, riding dirt bikes, laugh, your willingness for family, the love for the great outdoors. You would try anything. I always pictured you mining for gold one day in Alaska, or something like that, digging the next biggest hole somewhere. Building amazing homes, working with tools. Drugs, trouble with the law, alcohol were apart of story, but they were not your whole story, Today, I pray for those that were hurt by yours am and the family’s wrong doings and ask for forgiveness and continued blessings.